my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
