Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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