Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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