I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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