i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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