i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
