I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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