My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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