my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
