you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
