I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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