Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
