you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
