Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
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