just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
