I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
