Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
