I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
