I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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