I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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