he shaved USA in his pubs
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
