you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
