We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
