y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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