Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
