Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
