So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
