my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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