why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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