i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
