we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i love accidental penises.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
