I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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