How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
