she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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