Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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