I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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