I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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