When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
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