he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
