I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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