There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
