That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
