Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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