I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
