My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
