I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
