I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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