ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
