If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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