When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
