i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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